So you got into [Insert State name here] State college.  So you got that scholarship and the new job as CEO of Mercedes Benz.  Save it for your parents.  They’ll be proud of you.  Us, on your Facebook profile, we’re happy for you too – but you end up sounding boastful.

#9 The Loser who’s trying to be cool through his Facebook profile.

This guy.  He’s never been with the in-crowd.  He doesn’t know song lyrics to the easiest songs (like Back in Black by ACDC or Eye of the Tiger by Foreigner).  He’s a poseur.  Always has been.  And now he’s using Facebook as his new medium by which to inform others of how cool he is.

You’re nearing 30.  Get over the fact that you’re not and never will be “cool” and try to be the geek that you are.  Don’t worry.  No one will hate you for being yourself.  You just look dumb trying to be someone you’re not and never have been, dork!

# 8 The Model.

Put up some real pics.  The everyday, au naturel ones.  That show all of your blemishes and acne.  We all know that those airbrushed photos aren’t the way we remember you the last time we saw you in person.  And how about just one bad pic.  We dare you.

# 7  The Teen who puts up (our) music from the 90s.

You were born in 1996,  so that basically revokes your right to be “obsessed with” 90s music.  Just listen to Rhihanna and whatever other crap is on the radio right now.  Miley Cyrus…the Jonas Brothers…they’re what you’re allowed to listen to.

# 6 The Overly-Perky Person.

These people are in a good mood every single day and post it on their Facebook profile.  Either that, or they’re trying to passively aggressively tell someone they’re doing “just fine” without them.  Admit defeat, your life can’t be all that glamourous and fabulous, everybody is down sometimes.

# 5 The Perpetual Status Changer.

Don’t lie.  Who hasn’t dreamt about deleting these annoying Facebook “friends” but hasn’t done so solely for social purposes of feeling guilty about doing it and fearing being questioned by this individual?  No one cares that your ceramic hair iron crimped your hair by accident.  Live with it.  Twitter it.  Get off of facebook.

# 4 The Perpetual Profile Pic Changer.

It’s easy to notice these girls.  They compete with other girls’ profile pics, even when they can’t measure up.  They try sooooooooooo hard to look good in their profile pictures, all taken by Webcam or one-handed shot in the University bathroom mirror.   You’re trying too hard.  It shows.  You look desperate.  Oh, and please stop pouting and puckering your lips.

# 3 The Ex-Girlfriend.

She’s looking bad.  She’s pigging out.  She’s getting drunk.  And all of her status changes are about YOU.  She even writes ‘You *&^%ing pig.  I can’t believe you did that’ as her status update.  She keeps going to parties, snapping random pictures and pretending that everyone there is her new best friend and posing with strangers to pretend many men are admiring her (whereas, in the pictures it’s clear they have no clue who she is).  And she quotes song lyrics of stuff about breaking up and having a broken heart and how you’re a heartless loser.  Listen, you sorry, annoying, pea-brain with no life and no self worth – NO ONE ELSE CARES – just send these to him in a private message.  You don’t look good in your new bikini.  You look depressed and you look desperate.  So instead of letting the world know, just delete yourself and you’ll make us all proud.

# 2 The Newly Wed.

“Jack and I just got back from our HONEYMOON in JAMAICA!”

“JACK & I ♥♥♥”

“just got a new rug!  OMG Ikea sales are soooo goood!”

SHUT UP.

# 1 The New Baby.

There is nothing…nothing more annoying than BABY status changes.  We, the beautiful, babyless, wonderful, free people of the world have no interest in knowing what brand of diaper you use and how many times your baby has vomited babyfood onto your tee shirt.  Just keep it to yourself.  Or call your friends with babies and tell them over the phone.  I’m speaking for all of us.  We secretly hate you.

Yours sincerely,

The rest of the world (that you’re completely and blissfully unaware of the existence of).

ANNEX A

This doesn’t quite fit the category of “annoying” and in-your-face.  But people who make their profile super-private, removing all tagged pics and their wall have serious delusions of grandeur.  No one was checking your crap, anyway.  Stop thinking of yourself as so high-profile.  You’re not stalkworthy.